omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
