And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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