So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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