Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I could fuck to npr.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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