dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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