i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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