we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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