my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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