Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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