I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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