Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
