Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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