gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
