my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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