I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
