i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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