Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You are a genius and a whore.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
