A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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