It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need a beard to bite.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize