Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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