Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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