I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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