she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
