Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
