sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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