I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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