A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize