I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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