i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
