Your favorite bartender is back from prision
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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