Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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