Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
