Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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