She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
