I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
