It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
