I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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