did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
