...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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