Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
