I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
