his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
