I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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