I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
