Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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