Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
