You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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