It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
