Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
