Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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