I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
