just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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