The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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