Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize