I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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