I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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