"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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